Mixed Feelings
by HP Fan four
Summary: Set the morning after the Yule Ball (in the fourth year) - Hermione's in love and so is Ron, while Harry discovers a whole new side of Ginny...


A soft breeze rose over the horizon adding to the chill of the morning. Hermione pulled her cloak more tightly around her and continued to stare at the frosty surface of the frozen lake. She must have been out here for about three hours, she thought to herself, shivering slightly and asking herself for the umpteenth time that morning why she had been sitting on the edge of the lake from four thirty in the morning till seven o clock, in mid-winter, too. But she knew the answer - she had to think. Sleep was impossible when you're so confused, and confused only just covered what Hermione was feeling. 

Okay, she told herself firmly, let's get the facts straight first. The scene that started all of this seemed to materialise before her eyes. She saw herself dancing with Viktor across the Great Hall, staring over his shoulder at the people sitting down at the tables. Then, this was where it began, her eyes fell on a group of Gryffindor fourth-year boys, Ron and Harry among them. Her two best friends weren't joining in the group's , but staring blankly at the rest of the dancing couples. Hermione remembered the funny tingling sensation she felt as she stared into one of her friend's eyes, noticing something she had never seen before. Beyond the exterior resentment towards the whole evening and frowns at passing dancers, Hermione saw pain in his eyes. Pain, disappointment, need to prove himself and the hollowness of one who isn't being loved by the one they adore. These emotions were all blurred together, all showing vividly in his eyes. Hermione couldn't understand how, in four years of knowing him, she hadn't noticed how deep those eyes really were, and the love and interior suffering they radiated. Hermione didn't really understand what happened next. He caught her eye, and his furious expression lingered momentarily as he eyed her partner, before looking back into her eyes and giving a small smile that made her heart stop. After that, well after he and her other best friend left the Great Hall to go for a walk outside, Hermione felt strangely exhilarated, yet empty at the same time, wanting. Wanting something abstract, which soon took the shape of...well, him. She hardly felt the Ball ending, or Viktor kissing her goodnight, or what happened when she got to the common room, or exactly who she found herself yelling at, before going upstairs to her dormitory. It could have been him, it could have been anyone else, she wouldn't know. 

Hermione put her face in her hands, and tried to focus. What was it in his eyes that blotted out the rest of the evening? It had to be something powerful to make her heart skip a beat, or ignore a kiss from her date, or take everything that happened afterwards out of focus. Every time she thought of him, his name, his face, even his adorable owl, she felt her heart pump harder and goose-pimples rising over body. That could only mean one thing, but......but, that was impossible. He was her best friend! She couldn't be in lo.....not with HIM.....could she?

"Hermione?" came a soft voice from behind her, making her jump.

She turned and saw Ron walked down the snowy slope towards her .

"How did you know I was here?" she asked quietly, looking at his eyes as he sat down next to her on the frosty bank.

"I borrowed the Marauder's Map off Harry's bedside table while he was asleep," he replied. 

"Why were you looking for me in the first place?" Hermione inquired.

Ron shifted uncomfortably. "I - er- wanted to apologise for flying off the handle last night after the ball in the common room...."

"Oh," Hermione looked slightly disappointed. "That's okay, Ron, I had a lot on my mind. I wasn't thinking clearly...."

"Right."

There was a pause, and Hermione gazed at the frozen surface of the lake again, her expression rather blank.

"You okay?" Ron asked after a while. "I don't know, you seem......distracted."

Hermione was startled by the question. "Yes, of course I'm okay," she replied, then changed her mind and said "No," very quietly.

"No what?"

"No, I'm not okay, I'm.......I think I'm......" she took a deep breath and blurted, "I think I'm in love."

Ron didn't know whether he wanted to know or not. The odds weren't too good. There was a 50% chance she'd say it was with him, making him happier than he could imagine. On the other hand, there was a very good chance she'd say someone else, and Ron wasn't sure how he'd react if that was the case. Before he knew what he was doing, he heard himself ask "Who with?"

Hermione looked like she wanted to answer, but she didn't seem to be able to. 

"Is it Krum?" Ron asked, daringly.

Hermione shook her beautiful head. "No, it isn't Viktor," Ron's heart gave a leap, "no, I ...I think I'm in love with someone who was a...a very close friend of mine."

Ron's heart pounded harder than ever. He waited for her to say, "you" but she didn't instead, she looked into his eyes, looking like she was on the verge of tears, and said "Harry."

Ron's heart seemed to have disappeared. So did his stomach. He never ever felt more hurt, disappointed, pained, betrayed, lousy, worthless and empty in his life. He felt the burning feeling into corner of eyes announce the coming of tears, but he fought them back, and bundled his own thoughts aside to focus on Hermione. 

Trying to keep his voice steady, he said "That - that's great Hermione. Harry's a....a...a great person. Why so sad about it?"

Hermione locked her eyes on his again, and Ron felt the familiar shiver running down his spine. "I don't think he loves me. He's still got his eye on that Chang girl from Ravenclaw."

Ron saw this as a tiny ray of hope for him, but didn't show it. Instead he said, "look, Chang went for Diggory, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Harry knows that. You know Harry - he won't waste his time on what he knows he can't get. He'll give up on her in no time, and when he does, I'm sure he'll turn his attention onto you. He won't be able to resist you. You've got a lot going for you, Hermione, you're a terrific, wonderful person.

I should know," he added bitterly, though not as loud as he wanted to, and Hermione didn't hear him.

Hermione wiped her eyes and hugged Ron.

"Thanks, Ron. You're so sweet. I'm so lucky to have a best friend like you."

Ron gave an inward scowl at the word "friend". _That's all I'll ever be to everyone – the sucker who picks up the pieces…._

Hermione continued. "Thank you so much. You've really cheered me up. I just hope you never get to the situation I'm in now. You don't know how painful it is to love someone who loves someone else."

Ron had no idea what made him do it, and afterwards didn't even know whether he regretted it or not, but before he could stop himself he said, "Oh, I do know, Hermione. Believe me I know." Then he kissed her on the cheek and ran up to the castle, fighting back his tears. 

Hermione wasn't quite sure what happened, and wasn't certain what Ron said and did meant, but as she touched her cheek, at the spot where Ron's lips had been moments before, she gave a small inward smile.

Ron didn't stop running until he got to his dormitory, where he flopped onto his bed and broke down completely into his pillow. Sobbing uncontrollably, Ron felt worthless, empty, stupid and humiliated. Well, what did he expect? He was just another Weasley - not the funny type like Bill, Charlie, Fred and George, not the academic type like Percy, not good-looking like Ginny was, just a worthless Weasley, with no money and nothing going for him. He had nothing to offer Hermione, whereas Harry had the looks, humour, character, skill. Hermione deserved him. What would she want with a second-youngest, poor Weasley nothing like him? He felt betrayed by Harry, though he knew Harry had done nothing. He felt he didn't matter anymore. Who really cared about him in this world, anyway? His family made fun of him, the teachers weren't impressed with his marks, the rest of the school and world saw him as Harry's sidekick or bodyguard, but nothing more than that, he wasn't on the Quidditch team, and now his two best friends were..... Ron continued to cry. Okay, so he couldn't have a bit more money, he couldn't be the best Quidditch player in the world, he couldn't have a Firebolt or an Invisibility cloak, he couldn't funny and popular like Fred and George, but the one thing he really wanted was love - the love of Hermione Granger, that wasn't too much to ask for, was it?

Eventually, his pillow drenched with tears, Ron cried himself back to sleep.


End file.
